august31|99 cents of fun

fellowship at nation's as older men and women debate over fundamental interpretations of the bible--oh the irony as i sit with my semi-religious queer roommates and struggle with my cheeseburger

religious candles of virgin marys remind me of every convenience store back in east los..and how much i really miss home, my church, my family..right now.

actin a fool at target..tryna put on some children's long john's..which i actually fit.

buyin flowers (and trees) with david makes me happy..i bought twin daisys today...flowers are a new found joy in my life...our kitchen has HELLA now. our  kitchen is happy.

on another note: i like talkin to keith. he's in a band and he's into revolutionary politics.

august25|congruence

i heard something really important today..and it really resonated with me..the social change model of leadership.

take away #1: congruence is ALWAYS important to uphold. walk the walk and talk the talk..if you will. whatever you truly believe are your core values should always be reflected in your actions and interactions with other people.

i value...

being heard.

agency and being able to take action.

equity not equality.

acceptance over tolerance.

hearing AND listening.

among other things...

take away #2: social change does not equal social justice...as it is never a completely linear process..just as education is. and sometimes things have to get worse before they even begin to get better.

take away #3: always extend grace...as it is almost inherent that you will see yourself reflected in others regardless of their political stance, agendas, experiences, motivations, goals.....learn to have patience as there is so much to learn from other people in this world.

it has definitely been a personal struggle to understand my position within the crazy walls of my school but today's dose of jp gave me some much needed validation. finally. we are indeed weakened warriors....

regardless if i chose to be a part of the institution pushing the margins outward or outside of the institution pushing inward...like him im here to be a model for others tryna do good work in this crazy ass world..even if that means im challenging the people closest to me. both methods are okay..both are necessary.

theory + practice = praxis

validation of ----- always feels good at the end of the day.

master cleansing (again) in 2 days..in need of a cleanse of mind, body (the heart being the focal point) and soul of bad vibes/energies that have been settling in me for tha last year. in need of a blank slate yet again.

redirecting my love. walkin mah walk and talkin mah talk.

august24|change is comin'

this is what change looks like for my community..a change in representation..pilipinos more than 25 deep at the caltopia concert..organizing the concert itself, 2 execs reppin' for the association, lpg performin, singers in air, official photgrapher, and hella familiar brown faces in the crowd..this is what change on campus is like..effin beautiful..

things are startin to take off and im feelin pretty damn good about everything...at least for now..believing in and trusting people you dont really know is hard but im seeing more and more with each day that passes..that its perfectly okay..carpe damn like that..is the only way to really know what's up..she's amazing with them..and i know i made the right decision..thanks adi.

whats carpe damn anyways? doesnt really work when your head is tellin you one thing and your heart is tellin you another..and their hearts not all there..so efffffin confused right now..internal struggle...word to missing you by trey songz.

sometimes i feel like i invest more time, energy, love, emotions, etc. etc. in other people than with my own self..why? i take chances with people every single day of my life..from my students to my friends..doesnt feel really reciprocated right now..no one taking risks with me..nothing..story of my life? ya.

....feels like school is starting..maybe even without me..its time to brace myself..im about to be sprintin for my life.

august23|carpe damn for this but not that

sometimes in our lives we just have to drop anything and everything that we may have goin on and just do something totally spontaneous. that's what i did today.

seemed like things were going okay from the outside when all it took was one moment to make things fall apart. taking time to build community with folks is never on our life "to do" list..even though its prolly the most crucial thing in the world..we breeze through ice breakers and check in's day in and day out...tryna get down to "business" with the quickness..we forget about the process of learning and growing with one another..meetings become a chore..people become dehumanized..until those barriers are torn down we will continue to alienate and misunderstand each other and further create even more barriers like artificial "comfort zones" and lines that intricately map out our differences in gender, religion, race, ethnicity, status, class..systems of oppression that were intentionally used to divide us have become our very own tools to distance ourselves from one another. trip offa that..

when will we ever learn? learn to stop sprintin..and walk with one another?

sometimes i contradict myself..when i say carpe damn. carpe damn only works when you're emotionally detached. like finally blazin for the first time...mhhmmhm but clearly, im still attached.

i dont wanna "wait my whole life wondering when its gonna come or where its been..and all the things you used to say, the things you used to do, went right out the door..when love wont let you walk away and you cant help who you love and you find yourself giving it away when you think youre in love...i wanna be the one who you believe..." word to ms. keyshia cole

august19|black eye

hidin my 'black eye' like johari's lower left window

this is premature heartache of an unexplored possibility

like overwatering flowers when you just planted the seeds

boomerang theory..the other night i got arrested by the karma police

my head n heart are at war and my body's sittin on the bench again

why are people so scared of diving into the unknown?

what's really fair when happiness is compromised

taking chances is overrated these days

and comfortability breeds passivity

tired of gettin walked away from

two for two 2008

august17|deal or no deal?

good weekend at lake tahoe

new found friend with inside jokes for days

great to get away and relax

ready or not..here i come.

deal or no deal? you found out that your partner participated in a "two girls and one cup" type of video...deal or no deal?

HAHAHA..NO DEAL.

august13|ranch 99

(pictures by oscar)

reminiscing..

..almond cookies

..tamarind candy

..white rabbit

..lucky bamboo

..coconut drink

..jufran

..yan yan

..longanisa

..tocino..

ranch 99 = home.

shout out to wednesday afternoon seminar! thanks for challenging me to continue on with my passion for education. you all have shown me that there is still much work to do..keep on keepin' on..

akanke = guy/girl/kid/adult/everyone magnet

august12|enjoyin' life

maria's first pride and joy/the first slas peer baby, yizel, is beautiful. she has brought a greater sense of happiness (and commitment even) to us peer advisors and our work environment. although everyone else may not know or feel it just yet..i have certainly noticed the love that she brings to our space. she is our baby just as much as she is maria's.

oscar and i had breakfast at cafe durant. it was definitely relaxing to just take a step back away from life and just eat. eat good ass food.

conclusion: fucken enjoy life.

august11|summer bridge

(picture by meng)

shout out to monday afternoon seminar! love and learn from each other. this is not the time to burn bridges but to build them and take care of them..put yo shit aside and grow from this..

..this is family business..don't eva forget that.

august10|down by the river

(picture by lisa)

i wanna go fishin' freals

august7|kmel block party

'non-pretend' date #1

of tha hook: ne-yo

whacksauce: t-pain

august5|watermelon, buddy lists, and privilege

after hella curry from house, hot wings from fenton's, and chili cheese fries from nation's..my body definitely needed some cleansing/detoxin'. tell me why i felt hella gross and gaseous last night/this mornin!? yuck. i decided to try somethin new for breakfast and get some watermelon from sufficient grounds. really refreshing..watermelon..hella thirst quenching (i really should drink more water these days)..and filling (not too heavy in the morning)..the perfect breakfast. definitely gonna make it a morning thing from now on..

really thinking about updating my buddy list on aim..i never really thought how big aim was in my life. yes, im 22 and i still have an aim screen name..i dont givva shit. hhahaa..so after having a really good conversation with one of my fellow peer advisors..i realize that right now..in my life..im in a place where i am rethinking the friendships and relationships that i have..thinkin about ending some...maybe even combining others..re-evaluating a couple few..and starting new ones. i feel like something like updating my buddy list with people that are more present in my life will help me figure out the people that i have..at this point..established real, meaningful connections with and that i want to continue to develop and foster whatever it is we have. havent updated that buddy list in years..its time to finally do that.

tell me why..hoopin today was hella dope..had a pretty good run..shout out to rick: sorry i hit hella 3's in yo face foo haha..

tell me why i came home in a hella good ass mood after playin wit my boys at willard..i come home to an aim conversation about privilege.....................fuck privilege........and its complexities and the ways that people have internalized that shit and have ultimately become blinded by their own inability to recognize it. sometimes it frustrates me to think that when you tell someone to "check yourself" that they dont understand what the fuck you are saying. when oppression is staring you straight in the face..how likely are you to stand up and say something..let alone call out someone that you thought you knew? so earlier i decided to say something. my fucken bad.

being a womyn of color has been a long struggle for me to break down and come to terms with...and even till this day i am still learning about what those words really mean in my life and what i choose to do with that consciousness, if any, in those particular moments. so, when i told someone that i felt like they should check themselves..it blew up in my face.

sometimes i feel like getting through to people and tryin to understand where they come from leads to misunderstandings and barriers that can feel like large bodies of water in between people that just get bigger and bigger with time. claiming to be "progressive" can come in different forms and on different levels..i understand that..and the ways that you exude that "progressive-ness" onto other people can sometimes turn people off..its not about playing "progressive olympics"..its about recognizing privilege. being progressive and choosing to participate in progressive politics is a privilege in and of itself. however, i realize that recognizing privilege isnt always easy nor is it always fun. let alone having someone else try to help you in that process..but its one thing to complain and complain about the things in your life that you have because of your privilege. just stop. just like the process of decolonizing one's mind is extremely political and transformative so is this. so, please dont complain to me about the supposed difficult decisions that you can choose to make in your life because you're privileged..just check yourself sometimes. understand what that means..and for who and what you affect by doing that.

something that joan's note reminded me of was how fucken hard it is to call people out when they are oppressing you..when people talk down to you..when people undermine you..will you say somethin? and if and when you do..will you get shut down? again? disempowerment sucks. thanks for putting me in my place..im done trying to meet you half way.

regardless of all this bullshit right now that has got me hella frustrated and down..i appreciate the people in my life that listen to what i really have to say. there arent that many people that really take time out of their days to really check up on me..or see what's good in my life..except for my mom. right now, i feel like im confiding in people that dont really care..people hear me but they're not really listenin...imagine that...

..thank you ruben for being my outlet last night..the things you had to say were really insightful and when it comes down to it...you're right..i just need to "do you(me), that's it"..its that simple. thanks homie for hearing me out and listenin. i know i was in some funk today when i saw you earlier but i know you're really down for me because you took the time out to check up on me..fuuuuck i hella appreciate that. thanks for not lettin it blow over and forcing me to confront the shit im dealin with because i've been hella ruuuuuunnin away from everything lately. thanks for being there for me boooo! i heart you!

damn, where my "friends" at?

my mind continues to wander..

august4|dahveed

i (we) miss dahveed HELLA HELLA much! come back now duuuude! we need YOU!

haha good times messing around on ichat..

..and thanks for reminding me to water our plant/tree/baby, dahveed! 

august3|another sunday

just another sunday..waking up..eating..watching tv..running errands..eating..watching more tv..bummin hardcore status..just what i need..more unproductive-ness in my life. oh well.."ima get cheese fries.."

..adrian says to me (referring to my free spirited-ness), "so many men, so little time." >>> AYYY! SOO TRUE HOMIE!! what's a girl to do!??!

..until next sunday.

august2|fenton's

fenton's hot wings and strawberry shakes..mmm..effin bomb! cute unidentifiable waiter wasn't so bad either! hahaha..fenton's with brian and oscar was doope. i'd take eatin, watchin tv, and bummin around all day..any day. 

august1|talent show pre-show

(pictures by jose and myself)

rock band is sooooo FUN! kickin' it with the bridgees and playin' rock band has become almost routine for oscar and i to do after seminars. hahha good times! MaAaAaAaAaps. MAPS! haha..

..and the bridgees really blew me away tonight with their amazing talent! from crazy ballet stunts to rappin' and beat boxin'..my students are off the HOOK. they are soo freaken talented!!! im so glad i decided to stick around for the night because they took it to anotha level for me. hella proud to see them in their natural light..their environment..doin they thang..

..simply inspired.