november24|a monday to remember

[picture comin soon]

I decided to lightweight hibernate today. It felt damn good to sleep the whole day away. I really needed to just catch up with myself, give my mind and body some time to physically heal and get reoriented with itself. I straight slept for 18 hours…yes 18. My body literally hit its breaking point. With everything going on in my life, both work and play, it’s no wonder my body decided to shut down. I definitely made a good decision to stay in la after students of color conference and peace Berkeley the fuck out for a week..one up.

After I finally woke up when my cousin came over to check on me to see if I was still alive we decided to text blast our original central crew and kick it tonight. I wasn’t really sure who was goin to be down and actually come through..but damn hella fools came through!

Marvin aka “Marn” or “Beans”
Cowen aka “Ryan” lol.
Edgar aka “Balong”
Jerome aka “Jer”
Jerome’s Girl
Sonny aka “Sonny”
Mamu aka “Matthew”
Daryl aka “Dar”
Angeli aka “ANNNGEELIIII”
And myself!

M.I.A. Chris, Mark and Ashlee

Felt damn good to be with the old crew again after a year…literally. Last time we kicked it was last year, Thanks-taking, after the failed attempt at an intervention at Sonny’s house and Edgar’s wedding.

It’s always interesting to come back home and see how people have changed and/or not changed throughout the months..for the most part people are the same..just more mature and more responsible.

We hit up our spot, Island’s in Glendale, then we headed out to BJ’s for drinks then the Hookah Lounge to smoke. Such a once in a lifetime opportunity to see everyone in the same damn room! And it was even more dope that people were actually down to roll for whatevers. I’m glad we rode tonight..i feel connected again. Finally. I’m home.

It really goes to show that despite the crazy drama that people are going through or are still dealing with from the past that people can put their shit aside and hang with the homies for a good ass time.

Fuck all that drama! Krystle’s home! Let’s kick it!

On anotha note, FZ called again today. I told him that I decided to stay in la for the week. He said that he was lookin forward to seeing but now he’s going to miss me. He didn’t really sound like he was going to miss anything. He said that it was okay. Hmm, what does that mean?? What is he tryna play right now?

Note to self: play smart with this one. Don’t get caught up in his chill cool guy swagger.

On an even better note, I got a text from MS from UCSB with a plan to kick it with PM and Brian sometime this week. HAHA. I heart her but damn how I get so flustered and shy around him..like a little high school girl. Ohhh maaaaan…

november17|lost in my movement

[picture coming soon]

tonight i facilitated a community forum regarding the campus climate and the overall issue of campus safety. despite certain personalities within the people that attended the meeting i have to say that i am really....

disappointed. 

surprised.

lost.

confused.

disempowered...

all at the same.

its hard to say at this moment whether or not i feel satisfied and proud of what happened or even more lost and confused about where our campus/world is really at in terms of creating peace. its really difficult to be an ally to certain communities and to facilitate highly political and very much painful conversations such as the one that happened tonight that as an ally..im fucking lost. did i do what a good ally should've done?

as an ally i feel that i have put myself on the front lines for blows that allies should be taking to promote peace, understanding and acceptance in any cause that they are allies to.

so why do i feel so disempowered?

it's really interesting to hear comments from individuals who think that having a structured conversation was "impeding on the conversation itself"

it's hard for me to sit here and be silent as i truly feel that the conversation that happened tonight needed to happen (in the way that it did) and for folks that were upset or unsatisfied with what happened need to really think about the purpose of tonight and what it really means to have dialogue on things that we ALL can do as students to address campus safety.

honestly, if you weren't happy then im sorry. have your own community forum. facilitate your own meeting. come up with your own agenda.

i tried. i really tried to create a peaceful and safe campus tonight. i tried to bring people, communities together to talk about what the fuck is going on on our campus. it is very clear to me that people are NOT ready to come to the table to talk about what our issues are in a constructive way. it is very clear that the wounds that we all carry within ourselves because of the oppression that we ALL face is still very much unhealed. it is clear that we have not reached the boiling point where we ALL feel that it is necessary to come together for safety, for humanity, for peace. so what is it going to take? another person getting attacked? a race riot? this is unacceptable. why do we act in such urgency and reactionary terms when we can be proactive and solution oriented? after tonight, it is evident that even collective solutions are "premature actions" towards addressing the issues.

then what is it? what is the next step that we should take? im all out of answers to my own questions as i feel that i have acted on what i thought was right. here. tonight. but i guess i was wrong because members of the communities that i thought i was an ally to were not feelin' what my intentions were for the agenda, for the community forum, for tonight.

why are we in a place where blame is what we want? where fingers are pointed, outstretched, as if that makes anything okay. as if that solves years and years of emotional, physical, and psychological oppression on our ancestors and now on us. when was it ever okay to blame someone just for the sake of feeling validated or legitimized? when did oppression ever become legitimized with further oppression?

tonight was not about venting, it was not about pointing fingers, it was about placing blame on anyone. why can't anyone see that?

tonight i felt like an ally. tonight i felt like a traitor.

we are evidently far from our vision for peace and i will stop at nothing to continue to facilitate these painful conversations as they are more than necessary for all of us to have in order for us to realize our own responsibility in seeing through our vision for peace.

whatever it takes for me to feel a sense of security, a sense of safety, a sense of peace on this campus, i will do whatever it takes for people to realize that pointing fingers and ignorance never got nobody nowhere.

the struggle continues...

the struggle continues...

the struggle continues.

november4|voting for change

VOTE FOR PEACE.

today i'm voting for those who don't have a vote or simply can't vote. it's important that we give voice to the people who are most affected by the issues that we are voting on but are unfortunately (and ironically) not able to vote...such as convicted felons (although some have completely turned their lives around..check out the film: democracy's ghosts..be critical of propositions 5, 6 & 9) or young womyn who cannot vote because they are not old enough but should have the CHOICE of having an abortion if she really wants to (challenge prop 4)...or the undocumented people that we live, eat and breathe with at school, work, the gym, our favorite restaurants, etc. let's vote for them! let's break the cycle by which the electoral process denies and disregards them and invisibilizes (yes i just created that word) these communities in our "democracy". let's check our privilege of being educated and being able to vote (without restrictions like tests or lolo clauses). let's make much needed change in this world TOGETHER.

critical question: why did our communities organize to vote down props 6 & 9 and at the same time rally in  support of prop 5 which would, in my opinion, be a proactive move towards addressing the prison industrial complex in our communities which props 6 & 9 were trying to expand and further institutionalize. where were our priorities? how can we move towards being more proactive and less reactionary to the political process? thank you brian and isaac for letting me always be critical with ya'll.

today, i'm also starting my teach for america application. its due real soon. REAL soon.

i've never ever changed my mind about wanting to make change in the classroom. i'm going to do it. watch me.

november2|note(s) to self

note(s) to self:

never get "tired of being the bigger person."

feelings:

betrayed. from my own "community/party/organization/space/constituents/by those who i thought were down for the struggle...."!?!?

alone. always the dissenting voice. always.

hurt. by your accusations and your defensive-ness and inability to take constructive criticism

concerned. for those who are "progressive" but don't do "progressive" things; people who can't recognize when they have facilitated and engaged in the same oppression they are trying to fight against; about you being a straight up brat

in between. wanting to walk away..for the better..

im tired of this bullshit...

womyn fighting one another..not willing to change..

not getting affirmed?

please, i don't need to be affirmed.