love is...

my mom reminded me the other day of how i used to buy the los angeles times newspaper every single day to cut these comics out. she used to do the same for me at her work. she would save them for me in an envelope and i would get them from her at the end of the week.

it's mind boggling how ridiculously i bought into the institution of marriage and heterosexual normativity.

"love (like home) is...an environment."

to new heights

"a toast" (taken at mtc thankstakin' lovin' 2009)

after doing some thinking about what i want to do with my life from 'here on out', i realized that there is no conceivable way for me to fully and comprehensively map out my life from 'here on out'. there are too many things i want to do in life and narrowing myself to just one static map would be a travesty of my very own core--the undefined and unconfined being that i am and will forever be.

yesterday, ruben asked me, "so what's going on with you? what's next for you...?" and i contemplatively replied, "after reevaluating some things in my life i realized that my life goals have changed a bit." then he replied, "so what new goals have made your final list?" and i quickly said, "well first of all, my list is not 'final' but to answer your question my goals have changed because my interests have changed." he next replied with, "i knew you would say that..."

this conversation is exemplary of the state that my mind is currently in. i am reevaluating and reconsidering what is indeed 'next' for me.

ill be honest, the last couple of months have indeed sparked new interests in me--public policy, law and government. after long battles over the plight of the bear's lair vendors, i have realized that i have a new found passion for changing policies that don't necessarily make sense for 'untraditional circumstances' like sustaining immigrant-owned businesses in the ever-increasing corporatization of our economy, admitting ab 540 and low-income students in higher and 'higher higher' education without securing financial aid for their living costs, the places where our colonized religions contradict and interfere with our cultural traditions and other thought-inducing gray areas in our 'not-so-perfect norm.'

policies governing our morality such as with gay marriage and abortion are totally contradictory to the supposed separation of church and state that we are quick to scapegoat when things go wrong or dont make sense. they dont make sense because there is no one-stop, fix-it-all, cookie cutter solution for governing behavior. our lives are way too complicated for a simple solution. duh.

at the heart of these gray areas, these obvious contradictions, these outstretched margins where my people live, eat, breathe, learn, love, dance, sing, play, grow...'there', is where i want to be.

...to new heights!

three cups of tea

so i picked up this book, "three cups of tea" by greg mortenson the other day (even though i was actually looking for another book that van had recommended to me and was also even interested in another book i saw on the same shelf at border's), and for some earth-moving/spiritual reason i feel like i was supposed to read this very book at this exact point in my life.

so "three cups of tea" is actually not a new book to me because the first time i heard about it was from jp, the dean. he actually brought it to a senate meeting after the nov. 13th altercation had happened in eshleman. he quoted this book during that senate meeting because quite frankly our campus, and in particular, the asuc was broken or at war, to say the least. he said this,

"Here (in Pakistan and Afghanistan), we drink three cups of tea to do business; the first you are a stranger, the second you become a friend, and the third, you join our family, and for our family we are prepared to do anything--even die." - Haji Ali, Korphe Village Chief, Karakoram Mountains, Pakistan

he then reqouted the same book and something i had said (ever so eloquently he added) at that same senate meeting where he first quoted "three cups of tea", at the peace not prejudice rally/vigil that took place on one of the evenings during peace not prejudice week. i was at that night rally, with andrew chang, and when i had heard him speak about this book in relation to the altercation that took place on our campus (because it was clearly culturally relevant), the selflessness of extending grace to others, and of course what i had said about finding peace within ourselves before finding peace with the altercation (and of course the world), my disillusioned spirit lifted and my heart melted with joy and affirmation. that was a great night.

so when i saw this book at the bottom of the shelf, i knew i had to read it. And so i did. this book has definitely opened my eyes to the value of humanity and the importance of keeping promises. simple as that.

and aside from this reminiscent experience, reading "three cups of tea" has been a full circle (if you will) experience as greg mortenson (the protagonist in the book) lived in berkeley, just as i did/am, rented storage units from the same storage place on san pablo avenue as i did (this is a story in itself, of course), and went to the same rock climbing warehouse (now berkeley ironworks) that i do now. crazy coincidental? maybe, maybe not.

i know this may all seem really trivial but i am certain that i was supposed to read this book...right here, right now...in my life.

chasing pirates

(screen shots from youtube)

"chasing pirates" by norah jones

In your message you said, you were going to bed
But i’m not done with the night.
So I stayed up and read, but your words in my head got,
Me mixed up so I turned out the light.
And I don’t know how to slow it down.
My mind’s racing from chasing pirates.
Now I’m having the squeams, while the silliest things
Are flapping around in my brain.
And I try not to dream of the impossible schemes,
That swim around wanna drown me in synch.
And I don’t know how to slow it down
Oh My mind’s racing from chasing pirates

Oh My mind’s racing from chasing pirates
My mind’s racing from chasing pirates
My mind’s racing from chasing pirates

-----

pirates = boys, dreams, solutions, the next best thing........?

3 strikes and i'm on to the next...

"A Kit For Individual Exploration" by Nick Lake

today i realized that my transition outta berkeley has been a long time comin'. a waterfall full of thoughts proceeding an enlightening conversation that happened last night have led me to believe that i am no longer needed nor wanted on campus, in the community, the spaces i used to call

my "rock"

my "foundation"

my "home."

from not getting to continue my work at slas because of the lack of funds, to my limited appointment "inevitably" ending at the mcc, to..finally..gettin' little to no support from calserve on issues beyond the both of us...

that's 3 strikes and im not out but on to the next..

this is how it feels like to continuously and inescapably live life on the margins..hanging by threads of circumstance..only to get pushed out by difference..

as i reminisce my time at berkeley...i laugh as i remember as a first year being slightly disillusioned by the upperclass folks in my community who would fall victim to being straight up jaded by the community, their peers, the work. and seeing all of that, i made a promise to myself that i would never allow that to happen..to become so tired of the work to the point where i would, like many berkeley activists before me, be so "over it." so "over" the work.

there is so much work that still needs to get done for our selves and for our communities. this is not how i wanna go out...but hey, maybe people are "over me"....ready for me to leave, let go and move on...maybe, yes.

i, welcome this reality
i, salute the haters and the hypocrisy, the

non-stop shit talk

and to that
i, say peace

much love to the people who believed in me, who planted seeds, who forced and facilitated my growth as an organizer, activist, student, fighter, lover, friend, daughter, sister, filipina, womyn, humyn being and all of these at the same time. you are the reason i live, breath, love, dance and continue to realize my agency to envision a world worth fighting for.

throwing caution to the wind

pictures taken at ry tuck's first installation at his class' art gallery

"Love is not supposed to be abusive, self-destructive, selfish, painful, conditional, toxic

paralyzing

empty

cold"

(taken from our gchat conversation the night before)

his art

rather dark but

painfully real

undoubtedly hard-to-swallow but

unrelentingly honest

i love you ry tuck. i hope you know that you can always count on us/me to be there for you unconditionally.....