may31|little spoon, big spoon

(picture by brian)

yay for bridges love!!! four to a comfortable ass couch baby! haha ya antionnae, tavae (where is she? haha), and allen!

hella spooning sessions with me all weekend..allen, brian, hylda...chyeaaaah! :D
i heart bridges lovesex69!!

may30|make a wish

(picture by caro)

in n out @ santa barbara during bridges transition retreat..REAL TALK session #2...a real ladybug pays me a pleasant visit..caro says make a wish..how ironic that the ladybug falls on my head when all i ever want is a piece/peace of mind...

one day..one day this too shall pass.

may29|home of the mighty fucken panthers

being back at my high school basketball gym..my home court..i realized how much i am not only an extremely nostalgic person but also how effin privileged i am to be where i am right now..in college..on my own..fucken alive.

team..with boys, girls (mostly graduating seniors) and some faculty and staff members (old dudes the from east power 106 was hostin a bball game against a made up franklin bball holdin it down). i must say that franklin be doin' it hella big these days..bringing in power 106..dj fely fel (sp?)..36mafia..and other up and coming artists to perform during half time..but despite the loud ass music..the cheerleaders cheering and doing stunts..folks bangin jarritos' noisemakers..and the emcee's..i couldnt help but feel completely happy and excited. reminiscing the many nuances of comin' from tha hood..it felt really good..it felt really good to be around real people..people that look like me, talk like me, act like me, sound like me, smell like me, roll like me, people who get me. although it's usually really depressing to come home to the harsh realities of poverty, violence, abuse and the never ending cycles that perpetuate these.

as i sat in the bleachers watching my brother and his girlfriend, doris, ball up six foot dudes from power 106..some random person hands me this green football booklet of the last season's football jocks..i turn the booklet over and i see my old homie benji pena's face whom i haven't seen since prom when we took a moment of silence to recognize his life..and physically since the spring of 2004 when he was still alive. i sat there amongst the screaming fans..cheerleaders..babies crying..dj's, emcee's..ballers..hella teeny boppers and my mom..crying my eyes out..clenching onto this green booklet that was supposed to celebrate the football team's last season...which was dedicated to benji. i couldnt help but cry as i realized that benji wouldve graduated this semester with the rest of my class. he wouldve graduated with a dope ass degree, opportunities to give back to his community and his family..and a future. real talk..not many people come outta east los..or highland park...or franklin high school and actually go to a four year university let alone college in general. benji was going to college..he had that future..he was going somewhere..

at this point, it hit me..how fucken privileged i am...to be at uc berkeley..the number one oppressive public institution..on my own..workin..getting paid..my nostalgic happiness went away in a quick second.

i remember benji..i remember how dope of a homie he was always rockin his letterman jacket..his football buttons..kickin it with the jocks near the quad stage..ballin it up with him at irving middle school on the cracked up, uneven black asphalt basketball courts with the chain nets...i miss his his laugh..his smile..him.

often times i take for granted the people in my life, my relationships (personal and professional and everything far and in between)..the things that i have and can call my own, my family that is always there to support me financially and emotionally, my friends that are more than down to hooride for me, everything. sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own life..my drama/amard..caught up in my own bubble that i forget to recognize where i've come from..where i am right now and what i have to look forward to in the future or even tomorrow...not until i actually lose something or someone anotha brother or sister will i take a step back to reflect on this shit again..damn how privileged am i to be able to put this shit aside..walk away..turn my back and hit it up later..

this trip home was definitely a depressing one just like the other times i've been home..but i have to say that it was also prolly one of the most reflective ones i've had in a long time. hearing about all the drama thats been going on in the fam..at church..in la..really sucks and its really hard to stay positive and stay up all the time. life is hard but damn i gotta keep fighting..fighting for my family..my life..me.

i miss you benji...i hope you're doing well wherever you are...much love to you homie. rest in peace and thanks for teaching me a lesson.

may28|big up's to megabus

today i was hopin' to roll on the megabus down to la and take the time to really think about what's goin' down in my life right now..instead i pretty much fall asleep probably six outta the seven hours that i was on that bus..wamp wamp so much for reflectin' on matters of the heart..


but regardless it was dope to get even an hour to myself to think about all the shit that i've had to put up with this semester. that's when it hit me..my harsh realization. i realized that no matter how hard i try to escape tha funk that i had in b-town and the a-m-a-r-d..i sooo wanted to leave behind..tha funk is followin my ass every where i go. maybe this realization is tryna tell me to deal with my shit and get it over with..maybe its time to move on from whatever my mind, body and soul have been forever dwellin on. that's when i also realized that maybe im changing..changing for the better? the thoughts that are runnin through mah head right now are forcing me to think that im becoming a jealous person...

jealous of what!? him!? her!? bump that..i know my worth. i just can't help but feel angry, upset, betrayed, used...played! hmm..what is it!? what is this funk!? why do i care so much...why is this buggin' me out like this?

i've never felt this way before..it sucks. it's like poison..it just spreads. blah..you're whack..

i have to say tho that coming home feels so bittersweet. i definitely miss my pamilya but i can't help but feel like im not emotionally, mentally, spiritually all here in la..right now. coming home is always bittersweet..seeing my loved ones is one thing..hearing about the "a-m-a-r-d" goin down in mah hood is another..people are dying every single day here in east los..tell me something i dont already know..

regardless, i do have to give props to megabus.com for hookin it up with a ride to east la for hella cheap. although i realized something i didnt want to..at least i am able to confront and deal with this funk that is unfortunately consuming the ability for my heart to be happy..for myself and for others..

..so word to megabus.

may27|3028 colby street, apt. a berkeley, ca

we got the spot!!!!!! its so nice!! yeeee!!

right across the street from the hospital and park..literally 20 feet!
near the gas station and whole foods..and the 1 bus.
i get my own room..finally..and the big one too! (sorry oscar..love you!)
yayuuh! :D holler for a dollar!

come visit me, oscar, david and adrian cuz we balliiiiiiiiin! yee..yEE...YEEEE!

may26|515 culture

morning after sleepin in 515..delirium at its best..real talkin about love and life..hahaha..good times..

may25|pil grad: ating paglalakbay

(picture by april)

pil grad was amazing this year..although i came like an hour late..i couldnt help but cry my eyes out while i tried to record the ceremony on my video camera..but definitely big up's to maan and the planning committee for putting this beautiful ceremony together for our communities and holdin it down for our peoples in higher education.

as i watched my class march in to the traditional graduation ceremony song, walk across the stage, and say/cry their 45 second dedications to the people who helped contribute to their journey here at cal..i couldnt help but feel like i was getting left behind. although i know i have a whole lot ahead of me in this next year..my class, the people that i have grown up with here at uc berkeley are finally "growing up," moving on and going on to bigger and better things.

i realize that i have serious abandonment issues that i definitely need to let go of. i get scared when people peace out of my life and never keep in touch. i hate opening myself up to people, pouring my heart out..getting nothing in return but a temporary connection that fades away with distance and time. i have come to conclude that a lot of my angst about "getting left behind" or people "peacin out" of my life..is from my childhood..having to move around, switchin schools..i never had a best friend or some childhood friend that i could really keep in touch with. movin from texas to cali didnt exactly make things easier either but i guess i was always feelin like i had to leave people behind every time my family decided to up and move.

when i moved from texas to cali i left behind my best friend jessica cook..my first boyfriend shaun hudgins..my family and all the boy cousins that i grew up with. since then ive come to realize that i have been so guarded with my past, my emotions, my life..like no one was ever good enough or around long enough to really share all that with.

not until recently have i really opened up to not just one person but a whole group of people..that i really feel like i can really trust with my experiences, my emotions..and even my life. paa core has really opened my heart in a way that has made me into this emotionally conscious person that ive become in the last few weeks of school. i dont think ive ever cried so much in front of a group of people that truly love me for who i am.

i will definitely miss these amazing individuals: jeffrey, rendell, carlo, justine, josh, jojo, patty, adrien, lisa, april, mary june and brian...although i will see many of these folks next year..i wont have the safe space that we as a core have created for ourselves..a space so rare yet so empowering and special. imma miss our core meetings, our dinners, our affirmation sessions, our video clips, our crazy activities, our inside jokes, our one-liners, our pictures and corny ass poses...everything. we are truly a super core..i dont care what other people think or say but we are..not just because we have two future asuc execs and a senator..or people who are double coring in like bridges, {m}aganda magazine, pasae, apac, cal slam, calserve, movement, pda and other dope ass spaces..we're a super core cuz we got so much love for each other and the work that we do. that's priceless. what am i going to do without this group of people next year? ^%&*()*&^%$#%^&*!!!!!!!!

to paa core 07-08: thank you for always listenin and for always havin a sista's back..imma hella miss the shit outta ya'll..no words can really articulate how i truly feel for each and everyone of you and how much you've really made an impression on me...let's kick it soon cuz we HELLA KRAY KRAY! ya heard!?

may24|down low @ the down low

(picture by lydia)

congratulations to all of the graduating seniors!! and happy birthday lydia!! i heart the raza community..and vic is a really good dancer..hahah :D

may23|bridge crossing

bridges transition part uno...im on the otha side of the bridge now..the student has become the teacher..time to drop some knowledge.

planning for the future of the bridges community while grubbin' at house of curries..hmm a bridges classic.

some of these folks have literally saved my life this semester...they are now a part of my crazy fam..and i can only hope to show them tha same kinda love that they have so graciously shown me..

caro + hylda: i'll miss you beautiful mujeres..you have no idea!!

may22|the day i got married to the asuc

"I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the Executive Vice President of the Associated Students of the University of California, that I will fulfill my fiduciary responsibilities to the student body as an officer of the Association, that I will work diligently and to the best of my ability to serve the students of the University of California, whose interests will be my highest priority, and that I will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the Associated Students of the University of California."

it's going to be an amazing year and i can't wait to see what's in store for me, my fellow executives, the senators, calSERVE, berkeley, california, the world..

may21|nuff said.

fuck finals! i can finally celebrate..
..my 22nd birthday
..the end of the semester
..LIFE!!?!?

nuff said.

may20|birthday nostalgia

(picture coming soon)

today is my 22nd birthday..big wamp..im old. i actually forgot that my birthday was coming up..my mom called me last week and asked what my plans were for my birthday and i totally forgot what day it was. so much for being 22..not really excited..too busy and i have a final tomorrow..what better way to celebrate my birthday than to study for a sociology final..haha..funnn! i cant wait till 330p tomorrow!!! let this day be over already..please!?!?!?!!?

today also marks the day that i finally got the closure that i was lookin for this whole semester..how crazy that it came on the night of my birthday..it really is random how epiphanies hit you in the face..and you realize that its been in you the entire time..you just needed something or someone to help you uncover the truth..

so he stopped lovin me because we were too similar, hahahahhahaaha..that was my response.

yes, altho that is a pretty bull shit excuse..its a lot more fulfilling than just wanting more time..or just being too busy with life..which was the "excuse" i was left hangin with. now, i understand that being too busy can really make a relationship complicated but people make time for the people they love..so i guess he just wasnt feelin it anymore at least not enough to want to make time for us.

its funny because i always thought that being in a progressive relationship was something that i always wanted..i imagined being able to scream at the top of my lungs at a rally while standing beside the person that i loved the most..getting arrested together..hooridin the muhfucken world together..maybe thats a little selfish..surrounding myself around the work and the people i love and would die for and the person whom i would do the exact same for..but i realize that progressive relationships are hard..hard to maintain..hard to understand...hard to be in. now this doesnt mean that i dont ever want to be in a progressive relationship..i think this means that i want to be in a relationship that values progressive ideologies..and where both myself and my partner are in the same place in our lives..where we both not only want to be in a relationship but are ready to really commit to one another on whatever level we feel is right.

the other thing ive come to realize is that opposites really do attract and gravitate towards one another..what does being "too similar" really mean? i always thought that that was a really good thing to have in a relationship..where i could share my deepest passions with someone else who also shares my same loves and likes and even dislikes, my interests, etc. etc. what does it mean for someone to not want to be in a relationship with someone who is too much like them? trip off that.

for myself, i wanna be with someone that loves tha same things that i love..because if i truly love them..then i truly love myself too..maybe people seek what they dont have in others..when they look for partners to be in relationships with. maybe thats the kind of "balance" they seek to have in their lives? maybe there are some internal issues that need to be dealt with and this is not to say that i dont have my own internal issues and insecurities that i need to work out but i know my worth..and that's definitely something that he has taught me to be proud of. damn, how ironic are relationships sometimes..but how empowering and enlightening are they at the same time.

thank you for finally "giving" me the closure that i needed to realize why we're just friends and why we support one another the crazy way that we do..i hope that you find someone who can show you how to love yourself.

this blog is dedicated to movin on with my life and documenting my 22nd year of existence..let's keep this shit rollin..