december25|marley & me

marley & me is a great christmas movie! never really thought watching movies on christmas day was actually fun. tonight i went to the movies with my brother, doris and milena. we originally wanted to watch the curious case of benjamin button but unfortunately it was all sold out. who wouldve thought that so many people would come out to the movie theaters on christmas night. there was actually a whole lot of people who came out that we actually had to sit on the floor in one of the aisles to watch the movie. whomp whomp, my ass hella hurt and i got kicked a few times.

nevertheless the movie was really cute, sad, warm, fuzzy, and charming..a really good christmas/date movie..i guess. haha.

milena, doris' sister, is really awesome too. we had a really good conversation in the line for popcorn and drinks. it was good despite having to wait so long that we missed the first five minutes of the movie. ahaha oh well. but ya, she understands what it means to have gone to college from our neighborhood and how much of a struggle it is to get people to understand what that experience is like. she's really funny too even though it's really subtle..haha..too bad i didn't get to know her sooner! ya franklin's class of 04!

december15|diggin' yo style

interesting turn of events in my life..yet again.

finals fling, if you will? 

his humor.

his thoughts.

his mysterious-ness.

him.

too many baskets to count at this point!

but definitely not enough marbles to play with.

at least im not losin' them as fab would suggest..

not a good sign.

this always happens....

pinche canicas!!!!!!

december11|marbles

[picture coming soon]

having more baskets than marbles is not a good thing..why do i have more baskets and maybe even too many baskets?

i need more marbles.

with more time, comes more marbles?

i hope so.

i used to like playing marbles with my brother and my mom on our carpet in our old house. it was fun and we made up our own rules.

too bad i can't make up my own rules in this complicated game of marbles.

different game.

different rules.

december10|pokin' war(s)

2 years strong?

we've been at war

a facebook engaged war

lightweight virtual domestic violence

if you will

or something else

maybe

maybe just a simple gesture

just a gesture

simple

nothing more

i poke, you poke

i sign in

i see your poke

and i poke you right back

i sign off

i sign on again

in an hour or so

i see your poke

again

i poke back

automatic

like a car

i unconsciously poke you

like my morning routine

it's what i do when i sign on

sign onto facebook

i poke

but lately

i've been lazy

or not

have i?

about 6 months now

consciously 

not pokin'

not really seein' your poke

ignorin' it

pokin' other people

signin off without pokin' you back

they're killin me

i see it

it sees me

poke

poke

poke

poke back

3 days lapse

you poke back

poke

poke

poke

never ending

ending soon?

dying out

my fingers tired

tired of pokin'

facebook is tired

tired of us

passively saying hi

hello

(passive)

hey

(passive)

poke

poke

poke

see ya later

(passive)

you too

(passive)

poke

poke

poke

you poke

i sign in

i see your poke

i sign off

peace

december9|intrigued

[picture coming (in your mouth) soon]

FINALS SUCK!

i have little to no motivation to study and write papers.

i can't focus. i'm distracted.

FUCK.

in other news..im really interested and intrigued by mm's life.......

..gettin' to know him...seein the similarities..

..pushin' questions..laughin...hatin'..

..listening to understand.

concluding...

he's a cool dude.

not so industry.

december6|overwhelmed

[picture coming soon]

cs deliberations has got me emotionally overwhelmed by progressive bureaucracy.

my puffy, cried out eyes have marked my body with the tough love that i have for this community and people within this community.

i am reminiscent of the haste decision that i made a year ago and whether or not my situation is transferrable to the current situation at hand.

maybe, i shouldn't have run for office because my heart was not fully committed to it initially?

although, i have found not only the love that my heart can give to this opportunity, i have more importantly found my voice.

no value determined.

initial intentions just like first impressions don't mean shit...sometimes. but how they can be used against us can manifest itself in "red flags" and acts of "self interest", perceptions by others who have ill intent for their words.

my heart hurts for my community.

yet again.

this process is just so fucked up and im tired of it. being a part of this process sucks when its trying to be non-hierarchical but in doing so is guilty of that same act. regardless of what i think at this point i don't think it matters because people have come to the table with decisions already made in their heads.

i don't think i have ever consciously decided to silence myself in a process as much as i have in this space, this year. go figure.

november24|a monday to remember

[picture comin soon]

I decided to lightweight hibernate today. It felt damn good to sleep the whole day away. I really needed to just catch up with myself, give my mind and body some time to physically heal and get reoriented with itself. I straight slept for 18 hours…yes 18. My body literally hit its breaking point. With everything going on in my life, both work and play, it’s no wonder my body decided to shut down. I definitely made a good decision to stay in la after students of color conference and peace Berkeley the fuck out for a week..one up.

After I finally woke up when my cousin came over to check on me to see if I was still alive we decided to text blast our original central crew and kick it tonight. I wasn’t really sure who was goin to be down and actually come through..but damn hella fools came through!

Marvin aka “Marn” or “Beans”
Cowen aka “Ryan” lol.
Edgar aka “Balong”
Jerome aka “Jer”
Jerome’s Girl
Sonny aka “Sonny”
Mamu aka “Matthew”
Daryl aka “Dar”
Angeli aka “ANNNGEELIIII”
And myself!

M.I.A. Chris, Mark and Ashlee

Felt damn good to be with the old crew again after a year…literally. Last time we kicked it was last year, Thanks-taking, after the failed attempt at an intervention at Sonny’s house and Edgar’s wedding.

It’s always interesting to come back home and see how people have changed and/or not changed throughout the months..for the most part people are the same..just more mature and more responsible.

We hit up our spot, Island’s in Glendale, then we headed out to BJ’s for drinks then the Hookah Lounge to smoke. Such a once in a lifetime opportunity to see everyone in the same damn room! And it was even more dope that people were actually down to roll for whatevers. I’m glad we rode tonight..i feel connected again. Finally. I’m home.

It really goes to show that despite the crazy drama that people are going through or are still dealing with from the past that people can put their shit aside and hang with the homies for a good ass time.

Fuck all that drama! Krystle’s home! Let’s kick it!

On anotha note, FZ called again today. I told him that I decided to stay in la for the week. He said that he was lookin forward to seeing but now he’s going to miss me. He didn’t really sound like he was going to miss anything. He said that it was okay. Hmm, what does that mean?? What is he tryna play right now?

Note to self: play smart with this one. Don’t get caught up in his chill cool guy swagger.

On an even better note, I got a text from MS from UCSB with a plan to kick it with PM and Brian sometime this week. HAHA. I heart her but damn how I get so flustered and shy around him..like a little high school girl. Ohhh maaaaan…

november17|lost in my movement

[picture coming soon]

tonight i facilitated a community forum regarding the campus climate and the overall issue of campus safety. despite certain personalities within the people that attended the meeting i have to say that i am really....

disappointed. 

surprised.

lost.

confused.

disempowered...

all at the same.

its hard to say at this moment whether or not i feel satisfied and proud of what happened or even more lost and confused about where our campus/world is really at in terms of creating peace. its really difficult to be an ally to certain communities and to facilitate highly political and very much painful conversations such as the one that happened tonight that as an ally..im fucking lost. did i do what a good ally should've done?

as an ally i feel that i have put myself on the front lines for blows that allies should be taking to promote peace, understanding and acceptance in any cause that they are allies to.

so why do i feel so disempowered?

it's really interesting to hear comments from individuals who think that having a structured conversation was "impeding on the conversation itself"

it's hard for me to sit here and be silent as i truly feel that the conversation that happened tonight needed to happen (in the way that it did) and for folks that were upset or unsatisfied with what happened need to really think about the purpose of tonight and what it really means to have dialogue on things that we ALL can do as students to address campus safety.

honestly, if you weren't happy then im sorry. have your own community forum. facilitate your own meeting. come up with your own agenda.

i tried. i really tried to create a peaceful and safe campus tonight. i tried to bring people, communities together to talk about what the fuck is going on on our campus. it is very clear to me that people are NOT ready to come to the table to talk about what our issues are in a constructive way. it is very clear that the wounds that we all carry within ourselves because of the oppression that we ALL face is still very much unhealed. it is clear that we have not reached the boiling point where we ALL feel that it is necessary to come together for safety, for humanity, for peace. so what is it going to take? another person getting attacked? a race riot? this is unacceptable. why do we act in such urgency and reactionary terms when we can be proactive and solution oriented? after tonight, it is evident that even collective solutions are "premature actions" towards addressing the issues.

then what is it? what is the next step that we should take? im all out of answers to my own questions as i feel that i have acted on what i thought was right. here. tonight. but i guess i was wrong because members of the communities that i thought i was an ally to were not feelin' what my intentions were for the agenda, for the community forum, for tonight.

why are we in a place where blame is what we want? where fingers are pointed, outstretched, as if that makes anything okay. as if that solves years and years of emotional, physical, and psychological oppression on our ancestors and now on us. when was it ever okay to blame someone just for the sake of feeling validated or legitimized? when did oppression ever become legitimized with further oppression?

tonight was not about venting, it was not about pointing fingers, it was about placing blame on anyone. why can't anyone see that?

tonight i felt like an ally. tonight i felt like a traitor.

we are evidently far from our vision for peace and i will stop at nothing to continue to facilitate these painful conversations as they are more than necessary for all of us to have in order for us to realize our own responsibility in seeing through our vision for peace.

whatever it takes for me to feel a sense of security, a sense of safety, a sense of peace on this campus, i will do whatever it takes for people to realize that pointing fingers and ignorance never got nobody nowhere.

the struggle continues...

the struggle continues...

the struggle continues.

november4|voting for change

VOTE FOR PEACE.

today i'm voting for those who don't have a vote or simply can't vote. it's important that we give voice to the people who are most affected by the issues that we are voting on but are unfortunately (and ironically) not able to vote...such as convicted felons (although some have completely turned their lives around..check out the film: democracy's ghosts..be critical of propositions 5, 6 & 9) or young womyn who cannot vote because they are not old enough but should have the CHOICE of having an abortion if she really wants to (challenge prop 4)...or the undocumented people that we live, eat and breathe with at school, work, the gym, our favorite restaurants, etc. let's vote for them! let's break the cycle by which the electoral process denies and disregards them and invisibilizes (yes i just created that word) these communities in our "democracy". let's check our privilege of being educated and being able to vote (without restrictions like tests or lolo clauses). let's make much needed change in this world TOGETHER.

critical question: why did our communities organize to vote down props 6 & 9 and at the same time rally in  support of prop 5 which would, in my opinion, be a proactive move towards addressing the prison industrial complex in our communities which props 6 & 9 were trying to expand and further institutionalize. where were our priorities? how can we move towards being more proactive and less reactionary to the political process? thank you brian and isaac for letting me always be critical with ya'll.

today, i'm also starting my teach for america application. its due real soon. REAL soon.

i've never ever changed my mind about wanting to make change in the classroom. i'm going to do it. watch me.

november2|note(s) to self

note(s) to self:

never get "tired of being the bigger person."

feelings:

betrayed. from my own "community/party/organization/space/constituents/by those who i thought were down for the struggle...."!?!?

alone. always the dissenting voice. always.

hurt. by your accusations and your defensive-ness and inability to take constructive criticism

concerned. for those who are "progressive" but don't do "progressive" things; people who can't recognize when they have facilitated and engaged in the same oppression they are trying to fight against; about you being a straight up brat

in between. wanting to walk away..for the better..

im tired of this bullshit...

womyn fighting one another..not willing to change..

not getting affirmed?

please, i don't need to be affirmed.

october31|experimenting

i joined eharmony today. LOL. it was lightweight a joke between david, adrienne and i. but maybe something could happen out of it..i am busy..and i usually do attract jerks and assholes that could care less about my feelings and what i really have to offer this world..and who are constantly reckless and inconsistent with their feelings, my feelings..relationships..everything and nothing at the same time. so, judge me! i don't care!

let's see where this thing takes me.............

october30|loyalty

it's true. im depressed.

i've had better days. definitely.

today i woke up feeling like i never wanted to wake up. ever. just wanted to sleep the days away. snoozing then snoozing my alarm.

5 am.

6 am.

7 am.

8 am.

9 am.

10 am.

i finally wake up to the reality that i have a paper due at 1230 pm. fuck.

i don't want to wake up. im really tired. im getting sick. i should sleep more.

excuse after excuse of why i dont want to own up to my responsibilities. 

i hate school.

im over bein a student.

it's crazy though because although i have been in this crazy funk lately i was actually really inspired and motivated after last nights sen. meeting. seeing the passion in people's eyes for the student orgs and programs that they are in support of..makes me really hopeful to know that people still care...people are still human. passion still exists.

doing my presentation on my paper in ethnic studies today wasnt so bad. i felt that people were really feelin my interest in researching transgender inmates in the prison system. something quite unheard of but for some reason i feel so obliged to explore. my paper is dedicated to malachi from s.o.u.l. for givin me a different perspective on gender, sexuality, love and life. thank you.

despite all of these good vibes..another bomb was dropped on me..not surprising really..as i feel that when life wants you to learn something..it REALLY wants you to learn something..bomb after bomb..lesson after lesson..let it rain as i get myself an umbrella..

i was told today that i "betrayed my pol. party"..given that this was said to me through prolly 5-10 other people..i am definitely not taking this shit lightly.

i have tried so hard to get people to understand where i am coming from, where i sit in those meetings, and the importance of recognizing what and how we do things in stud. gov't. people are misinterpreting and misunderstanding what i am saying..again and again..they hear me but they are not listening to what i am trying to say.

how dare people say that i am betraying anything! i am my own person and although i recognize that i have an obligation to support the people that helped get me into office, loyalty. i will never ever apologize for being a strong independent womyn that can think and feel for herself. 

i have strived to uphold the fundamental values of what my pol. party claims to be about..agency, equality, giving voice to the underrepresented, being an individual, fighting social justice, community/coalition building etc. if for whatever reason i decide to be the dissenting voice in a space where i am supposed to be empowered then whoever said that i am betraying the party needs to recognize that he/she is indeed betraying the very principles that the pol. party was born on...recognizing the individual within the community. 

message to the hater(s): check yourself and the privileges that you carry on your back..the accusations that come out of your mouth and ideas and values that you supposedly represent. recognize when YOU have become the oppressor..silencing others (the supposed "enemy") for their passion and drive..they are not the enemy, oppression is the enemy..own calserve, dont let it own you.

i realize now..that this battle is not just against oppression but those who engage and facilitate oppression in our very own communities.

september23|let's go giants

fun times at the giants game with filipin@s! 

yay for filipino heritage night at the at&t park!

cant help but enjoy the lingering garlic breath from garlic fries, chicken tenders, and (weak) lime margaritas..good times catchin up with paa core 07-08 folks (april, jeffrey, brian, and rendezzy)..cant help but miss the love and support that i so graciously received from people who only truly wanted the best for our community..and who stopped at nothing to make it happen..

its true that sometimes (important) meetings are worth sacrificing for people that you love...and havent seen for a minute.

i saw peezy, lisa, alex, camille, dan and josh too..felt mighty good to know that certain people still check up on me..whether its through the articles that have been written about me in the dc or through this blog..no one really knows how much i appreciate folks sending me facebook messages or wall posts, changing their gchat/aim statuses or sending me texts sayin that they love me, or that they have my back..it feels fuckin amazing to know that people still care to do these things for me..i am soo damn loved. i have absolutely nothing to complain about in my life. ever.

much thanks to alex and josh for reminding me that i have an entire community (past, present and presumably future) that have my back through all the good and bad. its not easy putting myself out there..but honestly...if i ever expect to learn or grow..i have to continue to challenge myself and be completely vulnerable..for myself and my community.

im really trying to laugh at life and the many difficult situations that it has decided to put me in...that's all i can really do these days..despite the bad publicity, the shit talking, and the haters hatin'...i am loved..and i feel that love more and more each day.

september19|make love not war

food for thought(s) from the iraq war teach in:

"movements happen outside of the political process"  (hayden)

"movements are not led, they lead"

"when the united black community and youth are organized, good things will happen"

"movements have blood in the face"

"speak truth to power" (munoz)

"where is the urgency, where is the youth"

"movements aren't glamorous" (juhasz)

"whose movement"

"organizing is about relationships"

"antisystemic movements" (hernandez)

"the heterogeneity of the framework"

september17|late night art

speak for yourself.

what happened to mtc?

awkward.

passive aggressive.

fuuuck.

september14|dedicating a rose

a busy day..but not so busy..runnin' in and out of meetings..left and right..wantin' to just get away and tag..make art..drip drop emotions onto a canvas..out of body experience as usual..in the zone.....wanting to explode through 99 cent paint..and then some..

on anotha note..it was hella dope to (re)energize and (re)juvenate my love for the pil community, my passion to make things better..not just for me...but for everyone..to take the lead from tha folks who came before me..to galvanize the people standing next to me and to leave something for the folks who come after me..i absolutely love and appreciate talking to dexter..thanks for revalidating my decision to put my drama, the community's drama and everything else that ultimately hinders me (and us) from doing what really needs to be done right now..perfect timing..let's go...finally!

i hope folks took away a little something something from my little workshop on student voice..i hope..regardless tho..im finding my voice again..had a funk..a bit of "sore throat-ness" for a minute..but im baaaaack..and ready to spit!

this post is lightweight dedicated to mr. g for reminding me to effin post! always good to know that you still care/read..

..here's a rose..keep it alive.

september13|corn ina cup

fruitvale..offa international...the best mexican food EVER. 

corn with mayo, parmesan cheese, butter, chili (am i missin anythin?)..IN A FUCKEN CUP. sooo bomb and HELLA clean (although that definitely added a lil' somethin somethin)..reminding me of food straight up from the streets of east los. mhhmm..orgaaaas..

august31|99 cents of fun

fellowship at nation's as older men and women debate over fundamental interpretations of the bible--oh the irony as i sit with my semi-religious queer roommates and struggle with my cheeseburger

religious candles of virgin marys remind me of every convenience store back in east los..and how much i really miss home, my church, my family..right now.

actin a fool at target..tryna put on some children's long john's..which i actually fit.

buyin flowers (and trees) with david makes me happy..i bought twin daisys today...flowers are a new found joy in my life...our kitchen has HELLA now. our  kitchen is happy.

on another note: i like talkin to keith. he's in a band and he's into revolutionary politics.

august25|congruence

i heard something really important today..and it really resonated with me..the social change model of leadership.

take away #1: congruence is ALWAYS important to uphold. walk the walk and talk the talk..if you will. whatever you truly believe are your core values should always be reflected in your actions and interactions with other people.

i value...

being heard.

agency and being able to take action.

equity not equality.

acceptance over tolerance.

hearing AND listening.

among other things...

take away #2: social change does not equal social justice...as it is never a completely linear process..just as education is. and sometimes things have to get worse before they even begin to get better.

take away #3: always extend grace...as it is almost inherent that you will see yourself reflected in others regardless of their political stance, agendas, experiences, motivations, goals.....learn to have patience as there is so much to learn from other people in this world.

it has definitely been a personal struggle to understand my position within the crazy walls of my school but today's dose of jp gave me some much needed validation. finally. we are indeed weakened warriors....

regardless if i chose to be a part of the institution pushing the margins outward or outside of the institution pushing inward...like him im here to be a model for others tryna do good work in this crazy ass world..even if that means im challenging the people closest to me. both methods are okay..both are necessary.

theory + practice = praxis

validation of ----- always feels good at the end of the day.

master cleansing (again) in 2 days..in need of a cleanse of mind, body (the heart being the focal point) and soul of bad vibes/energies that have been settling in me for tha last year. in need of a blank slate yet again.

redirecting my love. walkin mah walk and talkin mah talk.

august24|change is comin'

this is what change looks like for my community..a change in representation..pilipinos more than 25 deep at the caltopia concert..organizing the concert itself, 2 execs reppin' for the association, lpg performin, singers in air, official photgrapher, and hella familiar brown faces in the crowd..this is what change on campus is like..effin beautiful..

things are startin to take off and im feelin pretty damn good about everything...at least for now..believing in and trusting people you dont really know is hard but im seeing more and more with each day that passes..that its perfectly okay..carpe damn like that..is the only way to really know what's up..she's amazing with them..and i know i made the right decision..thanks adi.

whats carpe damn anyways? doesnt really work when your head is tellin you one thing and your heart is tellin you another..and their hearts not all there..so efffffin confused right now..internal struggle...word to missing you by trey songz.

sometimes i feel like i invest more time, energy, love, emotions, etc. etc. in other people than with my own self..why? i take chances with people every single day of my life..from my students to my friends..doesnt feel really reciprocated right now..no one taking risks with me..nothing..story of my life? ya.

....feels like school is starting..maybe even without me..its time to brace myself..im about to be sprintin for my life.

august23|carpe damn for this but not that

sometimes in our lives we just have to drop anything and everything that we may have goin on and just do something totally spontaneous. that's what i did today.

seemed like things were going okay from the outside when all it took was one moment to make things fall apart. taking time to build community with folks is never on our life "to do" list..even though its prolly the most crucial thing in the world..we breeze through ice breakers and check in's day in and day out...tryna get down to "business" with the quickness..we forget about the process of learning and growing with one another..meetings become a chore..people become dehumanized..until those barriers are torn down we will continue to alienate and misunderstand each other and further create even more barriers like artificial "comfort zones" and lines that intricately map out our differences in gender, religion, race, ethnicity, status, class..systems of oppression that were intentionally used to divide us have become our very own tools to distance ourselves from one another. trip offa that..

when will we ever learn? learn to stop sprintin..and walk with one another?

sometimes i contradict myself..when i say carpe damn. carpe damn only works when you're emotionally detached. like finally blazin for the first time...mhhmmhm but clearly, im still attached.

i dont wanna "wait my whole life wondering when its gonna come or where its been..and all the things you used to say, the things you used to do, went right out the door..when love wont let you walk away and you cant help who you love and you find yourself giving it away when you think youre in love...i wanna be the one who you believe..." word to ms. keyshia cole

august19|black eye

hidin my 'black eye' like johari's lower left window

this is premature heartache of an unexplored possibility

like overwatering flowers when you just planted the seeds

boomerang theory..the other night i got arrested by the karma police

my head n heart are at war and my body's sittin on the bench again

why are people so scared of diving into the unknown?

what's really fair when happiness is compromised

taking chances is overrated these days

and comfortability breeds passivity

tired of gettin walked away from

two for two 2008

august17|deal or no deal?

good weekend at lake tahoe

new found friend with inside jokes for days

great to get away and relax

ready or not..here i come.

deal or no deal? you found out that your partner participated in a "two girls and one cup" type of video...deal or no deal?

HAHAHA..NO DEAL.