july31|aking puso at pamilya

(picture by meng)

my heart.

my family.

july30|house of curries

(picture by caro)

"rain rain go awaaay..let the sun come out.." from family business by kanye west

ive been lookin forward to today all damn week. the bridges directors of 07-08 (minus hylda and gloria) decided to meet up for dinner at our usual spot--house of curries. it was really good to catch up with brian and caro..see what's up in their lives..hear about all the relationship, work and personal stuff going on with them. it was really good to meet up one last time before brian goes back to la for the rest of the summer and before caro leaves for dc for at least 9 months. i really needed this pseudo-vent session with two of the most important people in my life right now. these dinners are always stress relieving and healing at the same time. theyre invaluable and necessary in my crazy and complicated life.

from work stuff to relationships..i am so overwhelmed with everything. summer isnt really summer this time around and schools about to start in a month. but however much i am so overwhelmed with whatever i have on my plate i realize that other people are going through far much more intense situations than i am. my conversations tonight definitely proved that other people in my life are experiencing the same if not worse drama in their lives. an hour and a half of chicken tikka masala, chai tea and naan are without a doubt not enough time and food to cover the last 2 months of my life. regardless i know that this isnt tha last time ima kick it with caro and brian..our relationship/friendship is way too important for me to just let it fizzle out just because were hundreds of miles away from each other..and no matter how much drama i know i'll prolly have in the future..i know they'll always have my back like no other. ima miss my babies..

on the otha hand i realized that one of the reasons why i feel so overwhelmed is prolly cause i dont have people i can really vent to that will really listen to what i have to say. caro and brian have always been there for me in terms of venting...especially last spring semester. i realized that whenever i needed to vent out about something i would always talk to one person..the ex. even when we werent together he would always make sure that i was okay..especially since i was juggling through so many things in my life..from bridges and paa to campaigning, senior weekend, and whatever else i had to do..i would always have that outlet to vent to about whatever the hell i felt like gettin off my chest. i remember tellin myself a few days before everyone (including him) peaced out for the summer..and little did i know..my life too..that i would wait and see what our friendship would be like after he graduated. would we maintain the usual exchange of critical ideas, life's questions and worries etc etc..its funny because things have definitely changed..a lot. i thought our friendship would be okay given that he had the time that he always wanted away from everything but the way that things have played out and will prolly continue to play out is still just a bunch of high school status bull shit that he needs to get over..like acknowledging people's presence..so basically things are totally different. no more aim conversations..no more lookin out..no more check in's..no more "that's what we do for each other, remember"..no more 'i got yo back and you got mine' bull shit. i guess a lot of this was expected..unfortunately. and now that its been months..a lot of things have piled up and have stayed within the walls of my brain and the depths of my heart..and has been really eatin away at my fire..

my life has always been very complicated and just all over the place but i've always had someone (usually a boyfriend) to be there for me to genuinely listen to whatever it was that i had to say about whatever but right now i dont have that person. i havent had that person for awhile now. so what am i going to do without people like caro and brian in my life like that? fuuuuuuck. i feel like im going back to my usual tendencies of wanting to jump into a relationship for the sake of having that security and comfort. or even being able to devote myself to another person..make someone happy and at the same time finding my own happiness through that connection but is this really the right time right now? last time i found myself not wanting a relationship..i got into one..and gave my all (or at least i thought i did) and came to the harsh realization that i just wasnt good enough. 

so what now? im tryin to tie up those loose ends that are still very much apparent in my life but no one is bein responsive and the cards are just not lining up like i want them too. im tryin to find another outlet..i need to find another outlet but word to usher its like moving mountains. painful. difficult. impossible?

i still feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders..prolly even more so today after talkin to more of my students about what's good (and bad) in their lives at this moment. ahhhhhhh..im addicted to this work. cant stop, wont stop..even if it gets the better of whatever it is i have to offer this crazy fucked up world.

on another note, i had a really great conversation with nic voge who works in the slc. i actually met him while i was in high school during pca. i told him about him bein in the twlf video called, "ethnic studies: on strike 1999" i saw him come out in it for a hot second somewhere in dwinelle. the conversation was pretty interesting because we started talking about education, affirmative action, equity and inclusion on our campus and other really politically charged things. it was a really great and enlightening conversation that led to him suggesting that i take a graduate course in education this fall. surprisingly, he shared a lot of the same sentiments that i had about a certain admin on our campus and it felt really good to have an intellectual yet real conversation with a staff member that really truly understands what's goin down with people of color at berkeley and the politics behind it all. it was really refreshing to have this encounter..as students we really do have to realize that we're not alone in this struggle..

i need a breath of fresh air..literally. and sometime soon. my lungs are still fucked up and i really do need to take a real vacation.

rescue me?

july29|meng's back

meng's baaaaack! hella missed that fool! summer bridge slas/eop peer advisors = complete. finally.

july28|tell me why

tell me why sometimes i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. i usually dont mind it all but today i realized how much i miss working closely with students and how much i cant wait to teach at some high school next year..working with my students this summer has made me realize how much i genuinely care about them..all 28 of em. coming to terms with the fact that im pretty much on my way outta berkeley while theyre barely on their way in..ive realized that its okay to be old and mature and fun at the same time. their energy is so vibrant and alive and i feed off of that. no matter how much they cant stand their roommates or are hella crushin on that one person or are missin their families like crazy..i am their peer advisor..im here for them. this summer has definitely been all about connectin with my students to a point where they feel that they can come to me for anything. i feel like i've gotten one step closer to really building that relationship with them..especially today. this is the kinda work that i live for..that i was born to do. its not even really "work" i feel. its a habit outta love.

i need to tie up some loose ends before i carry on with my life again. until then i have to deal with 1) people who are haters and who unfortunately want to be a part of the mess i created and 2) people who say they can't live without me but in reality dont know shit about me and are blinded by their need to constantly be in a self-affirming relationship. times are hard right now but not that hard.

starting to get really worried about my health. i finished my antibiotics last friday but things arent getting better. throats still flemy, still can't taste, smell, or hear anything...im fallin apart, physically and im getting really anxious. i hope my lungs are okay. after all i'll be needing them to protect the heart that likes to get me into trouble all the time. i hope i didnt eff things up today with my word vomit but i really couldnt help it. it felt right. tell me why im so giddy!?

july27|3 weeks

bye jun moon pantaloon! ill miss you lil bro! ima be sad tomorrow morning when i wake up and realize that that poopface isnt snoring right next to me. wampers. it was hella fun kickin it with my brother for the last 3 weeks even tho most of the time he was chillen with doris. it was nice knowin that my brother was in town..bein independent..explorin the city, feelin what its like to be a college student..seein what i do. regardless though it was dope spendin time with family. HELLA come up's for him thooooough! haha its all good because he definitely deserved it. so damn proud of you jun for gettin this far...goin to college is big for us..for our family and you know that. mom and dad and everyone else including me (not as surprising as you would think) is without a doubt proud of everything youve accomplished so far. i know i dont always tell you how much i love and admire you but i do..youre amazing and we've gone through so much in our lives that no one can get us down! the PASCO legacy at franklin high school will never die! right right! go panthers! go hard or go home..

welcome to college, jun. you're finna have the time of your life.

love and miss your freaken face already..

"can i..? hab sum?" :D

july26|garlic

(picture by paul)

gilroy's garlic festival was hella dope. good (garlic) food + $6 beer + fruit friz smoothies + fun people + sun = good times

ian was my (pretend?) date..haha "sup foo? hold hands?".."alright, let's go!"..hahah.

>>can't get enough of that shit!

>>>and it's amazing how much ian remembers things..crazy good memory.

go again next year?

maybe.

shoppin at the gilroy outlets was tight too. i need to stop spendin money..haha fasho.

>note to self: don't play truth or dare in hayward when drunk.

july25|dogsittin day 2

paco likes to spoon on my pink blanket. its HELLA CUTE. we watched mtv together and she slept with me on my futon. she snores when she sleeps and she tosses and turns a lot too..and not to mention the fact that she takes up ALL the space (and blanket). thanks paco.

july24|dogsittin' day 1

takin care of vcoe's dog igby for 2 days..yaaaaay! feels like im married to oscar and we have a kid together..LOOOOOL. 

i call her paco. she currently has a uti..poor doggy but its okay because she pee'd in oscar's bed and not mine.

finally went bowlin today after how long. danny and jesse and i beat ricardo, vic and elmer the first game and then they beat us the second game..we bet on a bottle of alcohol and ended up both winning. so we decided to split a big bottle of patron (to be downed at a later date). party this saturday they say..we'll see what's up.

july23|dark knight

(picture by ian)

dark knight was heeeeeella dope on imax (and i didnt mind the sausage fest too much either)! i mos def have to give props to the creators, producers, directors, actors and the inspiration behind the movie. it kept me interested and engaged every single moment..and it was scary and funny at the same time. good times with erin, paul, paul's lil bro and ian...my date for the night..haha we got this batman thing goin on. i totally forgot that ian took me to go watch batman begins the summer after my first year..3 years ago..when my ass was still reppin' the robo leg and the crutches. hella days ago! 

good times catchin up with folks..even tho sometimes catching up means awkward moments about things that have happened not too long ago that we may or may not have come to terms with yet. i dont think its ok to force yourself to forget shit that happened (even though it prolly shouldn't have happened). that's ok..let's keep it rollin kids..im not ashamed about anything and you shouldn't be either. it's alright girl..life happens.

is this free-spirited-ness catchin up to me? again?

i think im crushin again..hmm..maybe. maybe not.

and btw, powell is about 5 miles closer to the metreon than montgomery is..LOOOL. oh paul.

july21|bronchial asthma

went to urgent care this morning since ive been sick for about a month now. i figured something may be really wrong with my body and that i should prolly go see someone about this nasty flem problem ive had for awhile.

so apparently i have bronchitis and asthma now. they gave me antibiotics that i have to take for a week and an inhaler because im weezing all over the place. what the heck is up with my lungs? no wonder its hella hard to breathe these days. word to jordin sparks' "no air" song.

daaaaaaamnit! wth!? i dont even know how to use an inhaler!

hella sucks..

..and apparently some mark up's showed up on my lungs through the x-ray and they want me to come back in a month to make sure nothing's wrong. i hope nothing's wrong..?

july18|80's

(picture by elizabeth)

elmer had an 80's party at his spot in hayward. shit was poppin' even though i was the only non-raza person there (except for taylor). feels like home with this crowd. drunken drama and all.

can we stop actin like we're still in high school? ya?

stop bein hella extreme and takin shit to levels they don't need to be on.

thanks for lightweight ruining a good night. please, dont talk to me when youre drunk..cause you is a hot ass mess. strike 1..two to go..then deuces.

july12|word to janet jackson

"(together again ooh)...good times we'll share again..(together again ohh)" from together again by janet jackson

finally together again at ucsa congress day 3 (?)..since being sworn in back in may. haha..ALL BAD.

july9|watered down equity and inclusion makes me wanna pee

UBE CAKE! hahaha..willie was straight up pilipin@ today..eatin ube cake straight from the phils during summer bridge seminar this morning. willie's hella dope..reppin' the most beautiful culture there is...he lookin' all shy. hahah..what a thug.

sometimes i dont understand what peoples' problems are these days. how do you come into a space..hella look someone in the eye..that you know..and straight up mad dog them? i dont get it..what the eff did i eva do to yo ass!? dont even know what to say to somethin like that..thats just straight rude. thanks for associating me with certain things..certain people..whateva. you need to check yourself..again.

watered down equity and inclusion makes me wanna pee because i constantly sit in meetings where i feel like im being talked down to and disempowered for what i truly believe is right with certain spaces and processes like the mcc. sometimes i needa step and pee because i cant take yo muhfucken bullshit sometimes. fuck dont you get it? i want that concentrated shit not that watered down draaaank that means nothin to me. i want tha real shit..tha real complex shit.

on a brighter note....

we had hella folks over today. made me realize how much i miss being around hella people..my age. ahha no knock on the bridgees..but im hella older than them and i get that mama vibe from their energies. we swooped up gracie randomly on bancroft, bj came through from the library, and we invited our lesbian friends (vcoe and caro) again and tavae came over later on too. my roommates have definitely kept me sane this summer despite all the things i've committed myself to doing..but seeing these folks really made my day. its always a good ass feelin to connect with folks you havent seen in awhile.

damn..ive been hella tired these days..im bout ready to bounce outta b-town for a hot minute.

july1|og pa's

my first year as a peer advisor was 3 summers ago in 2005 for summer bridge..i have been peer advising with maria martinez since that summer and now here we are..my 4th summer bridge..her 5th. 

this muxer is nothing less than amazing and i love her so much. when people talk about folks in their lives that have really inspired them..i always think about maria martinez because she is the most selfless person that i have ever met..and not to mention her dedication to slas...the peer advising program..the students. 

i am so blessed to be working for summer bridge again this summer even though i had to step back from the program..to handle business for my community..this last semester. i can't seem to let go of this experience..opportunity..chance to work with such amazing people. 

this may be our last summer...maria and i....together as peer advisors for slas..for summer bridge..forever. that definitely makes me sad but i know that we will always have the last 4 summers filled with moments of joy, happiness, laughter, ups, downs, struggle, empowerment, crazy random drunken skits and whatever else we went through together...to remember why we keep comin back every summer. altho this may be the last time we can call ourselves peer advisors for summer bridge this is definitely not the last time i will be seein her around. you really can't keep yourself away from the people that you truly love and admire for too long..its just not healthy.