july30|house of curries

(picture by caro)

"rain rain go awaaay..let the sun come out.." from family business by kanye west

ive been lookin forward to today all damn week. the bridges directors of 07-08 (minus hylda and gloria) decided to meet up for dinner at our usual spot--house of curries. it was really good to catch up with brian and caro..see what's up in their lives..hear about all the relationship, work and personal stuff going on with them. it was really good to meet up one last time before brian goes back to la for the rest of the summer and before caro leaves for dc for at least 9 months. i really needed this pseudo-vent session with two of the most important people in my life right now. these dinners are always stress relieving and healing at the same time. theyre invaluable and necessary in my crazy and complicated life.

from work stuff to relationships..i am so overwhelmed with everything. summer isnt really summer this time around and schools about to start in a month. but however much i am so overwhelmed with whatever i have on my plate i realize that other people are going through far much more intense situations than i am. my conversations tonight definitely proved that other people in my life are experiencing the same if not worse drama in their lives. an hour and a half of chicken tikka masala, chai tea and naan are without a doubt not enough time and food to cover the last 2 months of my life. regardless i know that this isnt tha last time ima kick it with caro and brian..our relationship/friendship is way too important for me to just let it fizzle out just because were hundreds of miles away from each other..and no matter how much drama i know i'll prolly have in the future..i know they'll always have my back like no other. ima miss my babies..

on the otha hand i realized that one of the reasons why i feel so overwhelmed is prolly cause i dont have people i can really vent to that will really listen to what i have to say. caro and brian have always been there for me in terms of venting...especially last spring semester. i realized that whenever i needed to vent out about something i would always talk to one person..the ex. even when we werent together he would always make sure that i was okay..especially since i was juggling through so many things in my life..from bridges and paa to campaigning, senior weekend, and whatever else i had to do..i would always have that outlet to vent to about whatever the hell i felt like gettin off my chest. i remember tellin myself a few days before everyone (including him) peaced out for the summer..and little did i know..my life too..that i would wait and see what our friendship would be like after he graduated. would we maintain the usual exchange of critical ideas, life's questions and worries etc etc..its funny because things have definitely changed..a lot. i thought our friendship would be okay given that he had the time that he always wanted away from everything but the way that things have played out and will prolly continue to play out is still just a bunch of high school status bull shit that he needs to get over..like acknowledging people's presence..so basically things are totally different. no more aim conversations..no more lookin out..no more check in's..no more "that's what we do for each other, remember"..no more 'i got yo back and you got mine' bull shit. i guess a lot of this was expected..unfortunately. and now that its been months..a lot of things have piled up and have stayed within the walls of my brain and the depths of my heart..and has been really eatin away at my fire..

my life has always been very complicated and just all over the place but i've always had someone (usually a boyfriend) to be there for me to genuinely listen to whatever it was that i had to say about whatever but right now i dont have that person. i havent had that person for awhile now. so what am i going to do without people like caro and brian in my life like that? fuuuuuuck. i feel like im going back to my usual tendencies of wanting to jump into a relationship for the sake of having that security and comfort. or even being able to devote myself to another person..make someone happy and at the same time finding my own happiness through that connection but is this really the right time right now? last time i found myself not wanting a relationship..i got into one..and gave my all (or at least i thought i did) and came to the harsh realization that i just wasnt good enough. 

so what now? im tryin to tie up those loose ends that are still very much apparent in my life but no one is bein responsive and the cards are just not lining up like i want them too. im tryin to find another outlet..i need to find another outlet but word to usher its like moving mountains. painful. difficult. impossible?

i still feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders..prolly even more so today after talkin to more of my students about what's good (and bad) in their lives at this moment. ahhhhhhh..im addicted to this work. cant stop, wont stop..even if it gets the better of whatever it is i have to offer this crazy fucked up world.

on another note, i had a really great conversation with nic voge who works in the slc. i actually met him while i was in high school during pca. i told him about him bein in the twlf video called, "ethnic studies: on strike 1999" i saw him come out in it for a hot second somewhere in dwinelle. the conversation was pretty interesting because we started talking about education, affirmative action, equity and inclusion on our campus and other really politically charged things. it was a really great and enlightening conversation that led to him suggesting that i take a graduate course in education this fall. surprisingly, he shared a lot of the same sentiments that i had about a certain admin on our campus and it felt really good to have an intellectual yet real conversation with a staff member that really truly understands what's goin down with people of color at berkeley and the politics behind it all. it was really refreshing to have this encounter..as students we really do have to realize that we're not alone in this struggle..

i need a breath of fresh air..literally. and sometime soon. my lungs are still fucked up and i really do need to take a real vacation.

rescue me?