june29|i was the one worth leaving

javi played a song by postal service last night and it reminded me of this song..and there's a particular line in the song that makes me really think about where i am in my realization process...

"and i am finally seeing

why i was the one worth leaving"

why was i the one worth leaving?

hurts to think about it. 

hurts to realize it. 

hurts to accept it.

fuck. it just hurts.

allyson and the collage i made four years ago remind me that pain + love = growth.

shit, im like ten feet tall.

-----

the district sleeps alone tonight by the postal service

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath 
Where I am
Where I am

I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is 
Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing 
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seing 
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing 
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

june28|cleansing: day 1

im starting my master cleanse today...my goal this time is to do it for 10-12 days depending on how much toxins i have in my body and how i feel at day 10. at the same time im committing to going to the gym every day for at least an hour...doing ab work, push ups, running/biking and playing basketball. i hope to get rid of bad habits yet again so ill be avoiding:

* late night eating..bye bye jack's

* eating then napping/sleeping altogether

* beer..and possibly alcohol altogether

* boys..but maybe not men, no exceptions anymore

* sugar..candy and unnecessary diabetic triggers

i really just want to cleanse myself of all of this nasty funk that ive accumulated in the last month and a half..yes my hearts still healing but its time to refocus and get my life back on track..cleansing should be a good way to recenter my life and get back to business.

june 27|i think you're full of shit

im definitely enjoying my lazy saturday...painting, watching tv, and laying on the couch..sleeping here and there. but for some reason i can never find my peace of mind..blasts from the pasts continue to follow me wherever i go..for both accounts i can't help but feel like they're full of shit. no, i will not let you move up here for me and no, you've been avoiding me at all costs..don't blame it on other shit that's not true.

it sucks to feel like you can't even trust the people that you care about the most. as much as you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, there comes a point where you need to stop making up excuses for them because in the end they'll prolly just let you down like you didn't mean shit to them in the first place.

this is the story of my relationship life.

this is why my guard is up 150%.

it's your turn to prove to me that you really care.

otherwise, fuck your bull shit.

copped from miracle's facebook: "Being hurt by someone you truly care about leaves a hole in your heart that only love can fill."

all i can do is smile and continue to kill you with my kindness.

june23|superhuman

feeling a little better today...got this song on repeat...really feelin' the lyrics..they speak loudly to my current situation...it's amazing how liberating love can be in your life and even when it's gone..you realize it never really left in the first place..perhaps it just got misplaced, neglected or even forgotten....it doesnt come naturally these days..you actually have to take good care of it..its just the first step that's the hardest...actually committing. 

i caught the midnight showing of transformers with the pa's and ra's and i have to say that it was pretty dope..except for the hella abrupt ass ending which left me hangin. wamp. but on the real though..why was the major underlining theme of the love story about commitment? fml freals. what is up with all of these messages about commitment right now!? as much as im trying to put this break up process behind me..it keeps getting thrown back in my face. waaaamp. but freal im glad megan fox said "i love you" first..even though shia keep making that point very clear to her and the world. she's a strong ass womyn thats not afraid to tell her dude how she feels about him..guys just need to own their feelings and stand up for what they really want..because most of the time it is a strong ass womyn to be their partners in crime to take the world by storm..someone who empowers them to be the best they can be in life.

laura guillen also did a counseling role play exercise with us during our training today...and ruben and i were partnered up. tell me why our scenario was about the changing priorities in relationships? FML. i made the comment last week that it is quite difficult to advise/counsel a student when you yourself are still going through the healing/reflective process of a similar situation in your own life. advising ruben as the student in the scenario was a lot to take in because obviously im going through a break up myself with pretty much the same dynamics going on..but all in all it wasnt hard for me to swallow my insecurities for the sake of ruben and my ability to give him critical and meaningful advice on relationships. it really does depend on where you are in your own life and comfort levels with whatever situations may come across you as a peer advisor..and it's completely okay to not always have the answer as we are all still capable of learning new things about ourselves..especially when we are in relationships. my comfortability with consoling ruben on his fake relationship issues is probably indicative of where i actually am with my own relationship issues..maybe im actually getting back to being myself again..coming to terms with everything..the break up...him not wanting me..maybe there is hope.

i've decided that im going to do the master cleanse again this summer..for 10 days..maybe even more this time. im way overdue at this point. maybe it'll help me get rid of this deep funk that i'm in and hopefully get me back to being myself again..truly myself. i miss those days for sure..and i have to admit that i havent been listening to my body lately. it'll be good for my body, my head, my heart and my soul. hopefully, i dont lose my boobs this time..

_____

CHRIS BROWN - SUPERHUMAN

Weak
I had been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I could barely speak?
Barely eat, on my knees

But that's the moment you came to me
I don't know what your love has done to me
Think I'm invincible
I see through the me I used to be

You changed my whole life
Don't know what you're doing
To me with your love

I'm feeling all superhuman you did this to me
A superhuman heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

Superhuman
I feel so superhuman
Superhuman
I feel so superhuman
Superhuman

Strong
Since I been flying and righting the wrongs
Feels almost like I had it all along
I can see tomorrow

Where every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere with love inside of me
It's unbelievable to see
How love can set me free

You changed my whole life
Don't know what you're doing
To me with your love

I'm feeling all superhuman you did this to me
A superhuman heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

Superhuman
I feel so superhuman
Superhuman
I feel so superhuman

It's not a bird, not a plane
It's my heart and it's going gone away
My only weakness is you, only reason is you
Every minute with you I feel like I can do anything
Going, going I'm gone away! Love!

You changed my whole life
Don't know what you're doing
To me with your love

I'm feeling all superhuman you did this to me
A superhuman heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

Superhuman
Superhuman

june22|relapsing

i still can't eat..still can't sleep..

i think im at the hardest point of this break up process..i think this because i've been pretty okay the last few days..but since yesterday i've been having flashbacks and random moments of sadness..my subconscious is throwing up, if you will, moments that ive kept deep inside..memories that only we knew existed..memories that only we knew were real..im remembering the times we did nothing but listen to music, play footsy in bed, the time he got me a bagel and apple juice and waited for me to get outta class, the once endless texts that never ceased to make me smile..it almost hurts to even type this thought of mine let alone sit by myself thinking about how happy and carefree i was at that moment.

i think im relapsing...

i feel sick to my stomach again and i can't really take in any food right now.

and i definitely did something that i prolly shouldn't have...

yesterday morning i woke up from a dream about him and i couldnt go back to sleep. i woke up missing him..missing the random shit we laughed at...the jokes..the feeling of always knowing someone else was thinking about me..i texted him. i texted him that i missed him. i dont care if he responds or not..(or maybe i do? :/) i just wanted him to know that i missed him.

fml.

but im holdin' true to my new year's resolution.

fuck it.

june19|i love you

i saw him at the rsf today. it was surprisingly really easy to just go about my business and completely disregard his existence as if he never had a place in my life. i played ball like it was nothing but for some reason when he left without a goodbye..my heart sank to my stomach and my game was outta whack. i started thinking about everything again and immediately ruben knew i wasn't okay. that moment i realized that i was completely kool with him being there..being around..being right in front of me..but i wasn't kool with him leaving the gym or even my life per se. i wanted him to acknowledge me like i wanted him to acknowledge our relationship regardless of how it ended. i think i love him? i love him as a person for the challenges, lessons, and positive energy he brought in/to my life. i couldn't take it and yes, i bit the bullet and texted him. on the surface level, i really do wanna be friends because all in all it would be a damn shame to lose him in my life completely. it still hurts. a lot. and i miss him. a lot. but my gut always has a weird way of transcending my feelings. i just want him to be happy even if that means i'm not.

ily = irrrrrrly

june11|every moment red letter

today i decided to run at the new (mega) park down the street..its pretty nice (thanks to governor schwarzenegger and the parks bond act that actually passed)..the park's fully decked out with tennis courts, basketball courts, soccer fields and baseball diamonds..and a really nice dirt path/trail to run on. i ran a couple of miles. it wasnt so bad..felt really really good to sweat out bad energy and really just take time to think about everything and appreciate nature.

tomorrow i'll do abs..because i know my legs will be sore..yes, abs.

i definitely feel better today..its been awhile since ive felt this okay. seriously. im yet again finding my inner strength through words of wisdom from aladdin: 

every moment red letter..

---

i also met up with the crew tonight for drinks and bowling at jewel city bowl...angeli, sonny, marn, cowan, chris, jer & reece, ash & joe, carlo, the other marvin and jena all came out! it was indeed a mini-central reunion. haha, and glendale reunion too..lol. fun and games..random stories and laughs.

"i don't know, you tell me!"

HAHAHAH

hella good times just chillen at our old kick it spot. 

yes.

we still got it.

june9|deep funk

since graduation i havent really been myself..ive noticed that much. im neck deep in this funk that i don't really know how to handle right now..i think its separation anxiety according to this: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx78.htm.

fml.

its pretty ridiculous considering that im an independent person by my very nature. i dont know what's going on with me but i really hope that this anxiety goes away...and soon. hopefully its just the pressure from looking for a job during an economic recession...or anticipating the gre's..or researching graduate schools..or maybe im just homesick? although ive internalized my emotions and have in some ways taken it out on other people..esp eddie..making things such a big ass unnecessary deal. its not his fault. he's been nothing less than supportive and honest with me. yes, things have changed and are going to continue to. yes, his priorities are different. yes, he's more busy than i am now. but i know he has no intentions of doing me wrong. he's a great guy with a good head on his shoulders. hopefully he's here for the long haul.

its really just me.

maybe i need to find something to keep my mind off of things. maybe i need to think about my dependency issues. maybe i just need to get it together.

maybe.

leaving for la today is hopefully going to be a positive thing. i have yet to leave the berkeley bubble since spring break. so maybe some time away will be good for my conscience. it's going to be a big weekend for me..doing a graduation tribute (something i've always dreamt of doing) and my family's hosting my first (but surely not my last) graduation party. things should be chill.

la, here i come.