june19|i love you

i saw him at the rsf today. it was surprisingly really easy to just go about my business and completely disregard his existence as if he never had a place in my life. i played ball like it was nothing but for some reason when he left without a goodbye..my heart sank to my stomach and my game was outta whack. i started thinking about everything again and immediately ruben knew i wasn't okay. that moment i realized that i was completely kool with him being there..being around..being right in front of me..but i wasn't kool with him leaving the gym or even my life per se. i wanted him to acknowledge me like i wanted him to acknowledge our relationship regardless of how it ended. i think i love him? i love him as a person for the challenges, lessons, and positive energy he brought in/to my life. i couldn't take it and yes, i bit the bullet and texted him. on the surface level, i really do wanna be friends because all in all it would be a damn shame to lose him in my life completely. it still hurts. a lot. and i miss him. a lot. but my gut always has a weird way of transcending my feelings. i just want him to be happy even if that means i'm not.

ily = irrrrrrly