being back at my high school basketball gym..my home court..i realized how much i am not only an extremely nostalgic person but also how effin privileged i am to be where i am right now..in college..on my own..fucken alive.team..with boys, girls (mostly graduating seniors) and some faculty and staff members (old dudes the from east power 106 was hostin a bball game against a made up franklin bball holdin it down). i must say that franklin be doin' it hella big these days..bringing in power 106..dj fely fel (sp?)..36mafia..and other up and coming artists to perform during half time..but despite the loud ass music..the cheerleaders cheering and doing stunts..folks bangin jarritos' noisemakers..and the emcee's..i couldnt help but feel completely happy and excited. reminiscing the many nuances of comin' from tha hood..it felt really good..it felt really good to be around real people..people that look like me, talk like me, act like me, sound like me, smell like me, roll like me, people who get me. although it's usually really depressing to come home to the harsh realities of poverty, violence, abuse and the never ending cycles that perpetuate these.
as i sat in the bleachers watching my brother and his girlfriend, doris, ball up six foot dudes from power 106..some random person hands me this green football booklet of the last season's football jocks..i turn the booklet over and i see my old homie benji pena's face whom i haven't seen since prom when we took a moment of silence to recognize his life..and physically since the spring of 2004 when he was still alive. i sat there amongst the screaming fans..cheerleaders..babies crying..dj's, emcee's..ballers..hella teeny boppers and my mom..crying my eyes out..clenching onto this green booklet that was supposed to celebrate the football team's last season...which was dedicated to benji. i couldnt help but cry as i realized that benji wouldve graduated this semester with the rest of my class. he wouldve graduated with a dope ass degree, opportunities to give back to his community and his family..and a future. real talk..not many people come outta east los..or highland park...or franklin high school and actually go to a four year university let alone college in general. benji was going to college..he had that future..he was going somewhere..
at this point, it hit me..how fucken privileged i am...to be at uc berkeley..the number one oppressive public institution..on my own..workin..getting paid..my nostalgic happiness went away in a quick second.
i remember benji..i remember how dope of a homie he was always rockin his letterman jacket..his football buttons..kickin it with the jocks near the quad stage..ballin it up with him at irving middle school on the cracked up, uneven black asphalt basketball courts with the chain nets...i miss his his laugh..his smile..him.
often times i take for granted the people in my life, my relationships (personal and professional and everything far and in between)..the things that i have and can call my own, my family that is always there to support me financially and emotionally, my friends that are more than down to hooride for me, everything. sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own life..my drama/amard..caught up in my own bubble that i forget to recognize where i've come from..where i am right now and what i have to look forward to in the future or even tomorrow...not until i actually lose something or someone anotha brother or sister will i take a step back to reflect on this shit again..damn how privileged am i to be able to put this shit aside..walk away..turn my back and hit it up later..
this trip home was definitely a depressing one just like the other times i've been home..but i have to say that it was also prolly one of the most reflective ones i've had in a long time. hearing about all the drama thats been going on in the fam..at church..in la..really sucks and its really hard to stay positive and stay up all the time. life is hard but damn i gotta keep fighting..fighting for my family..my life..me.
i miss you benji...i hope you're doing well wherever you are...much love to you homie. rest in peace and thanks for teaching me a lesson.
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